The Audacity

So, let me start off this story by saying I have a valid, up to date accessibility parking pass for my vehicle. I got one when we moved to Calgary because the parking lot was huge and sometimes I would be taking myself to appointments. If anyone has been to the foothills hospital they know how sprawling that place can be. I remember bringing myself to an iron infusion and I almost didn't make it to the door. I thought about collapsing on the ground or calling for help but I just kept putting one foot in front of the other and made it to the door. Anyways, the point of my story is that I have many reasons why I use my accessibility parking pass including but not limited to, trying to avoid putting weight on my joints and muscles when I have a bleed, trying to avoid falling on the ice. So the other day I'm going into the pharmacy, as I walk in this old, dusty man comes up to me and says "Are you Handicapped?". I said excuse me? He yelled again, "Are you hadicapped."  I said are you a doctor? he said I don't have to be and repeated his catch phrase, so I said you are ignorant and rude and you need to get away from me. 

Which brings me to this PSA: If you see someone parking in any parking spot, mind your own business. If you are really concerned that they might be parking there illegally, walk over to their car and look on the dash board. The placard has to be placed on the dashboard, you will be able to see the date and make sure it is valid. If at this point you still just have to know if this person is parking illegally, go to the manager of the store, or contact the police. What you should never do is yell in someone's face "are you handicapped." Invisible illnesses are prevalent and someone's medical history is just none of your business. 

This particular incident happened where there were 3 accessibility spots available and the person accosting me did not have one of his own. So I'm not sure where he got the audacity to insert himself into the rules and regulations of a parking lot or the complete lack of self awareness to yell in someone's face in public. Anyways at the end of the day all I can do is take care of myself the best way I can, park where I'm legally allowed to park and ignore crusty old creeps.

-30-

Lurley Vondell Scott

So, I was gonna log in and tell you about how I had a hip bleed in December, January, February and March and how Im going for a CT scan on Tuesday. But quietly and peacefully my sweet grandmother, Lurley passed away on March 15th, 2023. 
She was 95 years old and I saw her just a few weeks ago when Zane and I went to Corner Brook for a little visit. 
I am so sad that she is gone. She was such a gentle soul. A very bright light in the world. I first met Mrs. Johnson ( she was a school teacher so we all called her Mrs. Johnson) I was only in grade 4. She treated like gold right from day one. Her and Stan had the cutest little house on York avenue and every special occasion we would all go over and have dinner together. She made the most delicious food and desserts. Some of my fondest memories are going over for Christmas dinner and then falling asleep on the couch to the sound of her, stan, charlie and mom chatting. They are all gone now and it feels kind of apocalyptic. Its weird being one of the last ones left. I feel so sad and my garage is collecting more and more boxes of things that I just can't bear to part with from them. I took a few days off last week to plan the funeral. I tried to use readings and hymns that I thought she would like. I have a few photos of her to display at the service and I tried to write her a nice obituary. Feels like such a small thing to do for a woman who has had such a huge impact on my life. Its a big task to try and honor the dead. Over the past few years it feels like a full time job with all the loss we have experienced. I will remember the good times and try to pass the kindness on to the next generation. 

and its Christmas all over again

Ah Christmas, a time to rest and relax and rejuvenate yourself for the hard winter ahead. This year my body decided to just break all the way down and I found myself being sick in one way or another from December 23rd to today, January 3rd. 

It all started with a urinary tract infection a few days before I was finished work. This infection progressed into a kidney infection and I found myself throwing up in a friends bathroom after a dinner party.

I had one day on December 27th where the infection was gone. However, the next day I had a hip bleed and went into emergency for a blood transfusion.

The icing on top of course was the sadness I felt about not having my mom around for Christmas. 

I am now back to work, tired, sad and bitter that Christmas break went so awry. However, there is not one damn thing I can do about it so Im just trying to grin and bear it. 

This poem really summed up how I have been feeling. 

The Music Crept By Us
from Flowers For Hitler by Leonard Cohen

I would like to remind
the management
that the drinks are watered
and the hat-check girl
has syphilis
and the band is composed
of former SS monsters
However since it is
New Year’s Eve
and I have lip cancer
I will place my
paper hat on my
concussion and dance

Grief

So, its been 5 months since my mom has passed away. I find myself being grateful that I had her as long as I did and I am thankful she isn't suffering anymore. However, when I think of her I often think of how sick she was. In my mind she was perfectly healthy until she turned about 60 and then she fell and broke her hip and then everything started to go down hill from there. Its scary, growing older. It must of been so scary for her lose her mobility bit by bit. I am ok most of the time, work as been a fantastic distraction but sometimes I'll come across something that reminds me of her and it cuts into my heart. 
Grief is a beast and I feel like I am still grieving the loss of my Father in March 2020. I am dreading the holidays. This weekend is Thanksgiving and when I lived in Calgary we always went to my fathers house. He would de bone a turkey and roll it in dressing and I would bring my famous hashbrown caserole. The past two years I made a turkey for all of us at Moms house. We would prop her up at the table and enjoy a meal together. This year it will just be Zane and I which is fine with me but sometimes when the day actually arrives you can't help but think about what you've lost. 
So I'll carry on this Thanksgiving without my parents, maybe I'll make a turkey dinner for Zane and I, maybe I'll bawl and just throw on a pizza. 

Camp Blast

So, Zane and I recently went to Hemophilia Camp here in Newfoundland. It was a wonderful weekend. I was anxious going into it not really knowing what to expect, still grieving, but everyone was so kind and welcoming I couldn't help but enjoy myself. 
The kids were also so sweet and thoughtful, making sure everyone was included in their games, taking turns with the Marshmallow roasting sticks. I've been involved with the Canadian Hemophilia Society since 2009 but never with the Newfound
land chapter. I have to say they are a great group of people and I am glad I went out of my comfort zone and went! I also accepted a position on the board as Communications Coordinator. 
When I got home from camp I found myself wondering why my parents didn't take me to camp when I was younger, and then I thought about how they aren't around anymore for me to ask them and it was a very strange feeling. It still shocks me sometimes how they are both gone and what my life looks like moving forward without them. 
Despite missing them I am happy and healthy for the moment and grateful for my weekend at camp!

Momma

So, its been 5 weeks without my Mom. Its still so hard to adjust to. When I make soup, I think oh I have to get a container now and bring some down to her. When I drive by her street I always think to pull in and have a visit. Things may never go back to normal but I am finding myself more grateful lately. Grateful for the time I did have with her, grateful for all the lessons she taught me and grateful for all of our friends and family who helped us through a terrible time. 

I had an iron infusion last week as my iron was down to single digits and Monday I had an ultrasound. It was the first medical things I ever had completed without my mom by my side or at least the ability to call and complain to her afterwards.

I am trying to focus on the future. I've been planning things for myself to look forward to while still trying to give myself space to grieve. 

True Grit

My precious mother passed away on Wednesday May 11th, 2022. I thought about that day many times. Ever since she first started exhibiting signs of what we would later discover was parkinsons disease. 
Mom was sick for many years. It was heartbreaking to see her faculties fail her one by one. When she first passed away I was grateful that her suffering had finally ended. I thought about how happy she would be up there with Charlie, her brothers and her mom and dad. Over the past few days I started collecting pictures for her wake. Thats when all the memories started flooding back and I found myself crying and wishing for another day with her. Mom was so many things, a great daughter, a loving sister, a caring friend and an amazing Momma. There are so many things I could say about her, she was vibrant, she was fun she was voted most popular in high school and was the captain of the cheer leaders. She was absolutely beautiful and people were drawn to her. To me, the most remarkable thing about my mother was her grit and determination. If she put something in her mind, that was it. It was gonna happen no matter what. 
A story that comes to mind is when I was 7 months old and I was diagnosed with Severe Factor 5 Hemophilia. The doctors told her I wouldn't live a normal life and they said I most likely wouldn't live to be 18 years old. Mom took me home and loved me and treated me like I was the best child she could of ever wished for. She gave me courage to live life. 
Another story that comes to mind is when I was 12 years old I had internal bleeding and I was very sick. I was flown air ambulance to the children's hospital. The doctors approached mom and tried to prepare her for the worst. The funny thing is mom wasn't having it. I was gonna survive and everything was gonna be fine and that's just the way it was going to be. She wouldn't even listen to anything else.
Now I only have 1 week of living without my mom and as hard as it has been I know she would want me to be happy and joyful. She would want me to live life the the fullest just like she did.