Friday, October 7, 2022

Grief

So, its been 5 months since my mom has passed away. I find myself being grateful that I had her as long as I did and I am thankful she isn't suffering anymore. However, when I think of her I often think of how sick she was. In my mind she was perfectly healthy until she turned about 60 and then she fell and broke her hip and then everything started to go down hill from there. Its scary, growing older. It must of been so scary for her lose her mobility bit by bit. I am ok most of the time, work as been a fantastic distraction but sometimes I'll come across something that reminds me of her and it cuts into my heart. 
Grief is a beast and I feel like I am still grieving the loss of my Father in March 2020. I am dreading the holidays. This weekend is Thanksgiving and when I lived in Calgary we always went to my fathers house. He would de bone a turkey and roll it in dressing and I would bring my famous hashbrown caserole. The past two years I made a turkey for all of us at Moms house. We would prop her up at the table and enjoy a meal together. This year it will just be Zane and I which is fine with me but sometimes when the day actually arrives you can't help but think about what you've lost. 
So I'll carry on this Thanksgiving without my parents, maybe I'll make a turkey dinner for Zane and I, maybe I'll bawl and just throw on a pizza. 


Tuesday, July 12, 2022

Camp Blast

So, Zane and I recently went to Hemophilia Camp here in Newfoundland. It was a wonderful weekend. I was anxious going into it not really knowing what to expect, still grieving, but everyone was so kind and welcoming I couldn't help but enjoy myself. 
The kids were also so sweet and thoughtful, making sure everyone was included in their games, taking turns with the Marshmallow roasting sticks. I've been involved with the Canadian Hemophilia Society since 2009 but never with the Newfound
land chapter. I have to say they are a great group of people and I am glad I went out of my comfort zone and went! I also accepted a position on the board as Communications Coordinator. 
When I got home from camp I found myself wondering why my parents didn't take me to camp when I was younger, and then I thought about how they aren't around anymore for me to ask them and it was a very strange feeling. It still shocks me sometimes how they are both gone and what my life looks like moving forward without them. 
Despite missing them I am happy and healthy for the moment and grateful for my weekend at camp!


Thursday, June 16, 2022

Momma

So, its been 5 weeks without my Mom. Its still so hard to adjust to. When I make soup, I think oh I have to get a container now and bring some down to her. When I drive by her street I always think to pull in and have a visit. Things may never go back to normal but I am finding myself more grateful lately. Grateful for the time I did have with her, grateful for all the lessons she taught me and grateful for all of our friends and family who helped us through a terrible time. 
I had an iron infusion last week as my iron was down to single digits and Monday I had an ultrasound. It was the first medical things I ever had completed without my mom by my side or at least the ability to call and complain to her afterwards.
I am trying to focus on the future. I've been planning things for myself to look forward to while still trying to give myself space to grieve. 


Wednesday, May 18, 2022

True Grit

My precious mother passed away on Wednesday May 11th, 2022. I thought about that day many times. Ever since she first started exhibiting signs of what we would later discover was parkinsons disease. 
Mom was sick for many years. It was heartbreaking to see her faculties fail her one by one. When she first passed away I was grateful that her suffering had finally ended. I thought about how happy she would be up there with Charlie, her brothers and her mom and dad. Over the past few days I started collecting pictures for her wake. Thats when all the memories started flooding back and I found myself crying and wishing for another day with her. Mom was so many things, a great daughter, a loving sister, a caring friend and an amazing Momma. There are so many things I could say about her, she was vibrant, she was fun she was voted most popular in high school and was the captain of the cheer leaders. She was absolutely beautiful and people were drawn to her. To me, the most remarkable thing about my mother was her grit and determination. If she put something in her mind, that was it. It was gonna happen no matter what. 
A story that comes to mind is when I was 7 months old and I was diagnosed with Severe Factor 5 Hemophilia. The doctors told her I wouldn't live a normal life and they said I most likely wouldn't live to be 18 years old. Mom took me home and loved me and treated me like I was the best child she could of ever wished for. She gave me courage to live life. 
Another story that comes to mind is when I was 12 years old I had internal bleeding and I was very sick. I was flown air ambulance to the children's hospital. The doctors approached mom and tried to prepare her for the worst. The funny thing is mom wasn't having it. I was gonna survive and everything was gonna be fine and that's just the way it was going to be. She wouldn't even listen to anything else.
Now I only have 1 week of living without my mom and as hard as it has been I know she would want me to be happy and joyful. She would want me to live life the the fullest just like she did.


Tuesday, March 15, 2022

Bay St. George Sick Children's Foundation

So, it's the 25th Anniversary of the Bay St. George Sick Children's Foundation. This wonderful organization provides financial support to families who have to travel out of the area for medical care. This foundation was formed 25 years ago after a group of volunteers organized a fundraiser for me. 
The fundraiser was held on March 10th, 1997 at the Stephenville High School gym. They raised $4,100.
I was in the Janeway for almost a full year and my mom stayed at hostel across the street. 
I wasn't able to attend the event as I was still in the hospital but someone recorded it for me. I was overwhelmed then and I am now, 25 years later still blown away with the kindness and generosity of people in this area.
When I finally returned home from the Janeway people dropped off food and gifts and cards and some people told me how much they prayed for me. 
I will never forget the love my family and I received from this beautiful little town. 
If you can please donate to the Bay St. George Sick Children's Foundation. 





Saturday, February 13, 2021

Upside Down

So life has changed so  much over the past year. This post will just seem like a list of terrible things and while I know its important to focus on the positives I just have to tell you about the part year just to get it out.
Ok it all started in June 2019 our dog Jade had a collapsed trachea we thought we were going to lose her and after three weeks or worrying about her and $2000 later she started to come around. 
In July 2019 our house was broken into while we were asleep. It was so terrible to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that your house has been broken into and some of your most prized possessions were stolen. 
In August 2019 I had to get a blood transfusion and Iron infusion for on going GI bleeding. 
In September Zane was admitted to the hospital with extreme back pain. 
October I was admitted for a blood transfusion and double balloon endoscopy to try to get to the root of the GI bleeding. 
November I was treated with plasma and Iron to try and bring my levels up from all the blood loss. 
December I was again treated with Plasma and Iron to bring my levels up.
In January my precious Nanny had a stroke and was admitted to the hospital. 
In February my angel Nanny passed away. 
In March my best friend was diagnosed with cancer and my father passed away unexpectedly. March also brought lots of cases of Covid, the world shut down and Zane and I were both laid of from our jobs of 13 and 4 years. 
So fast forward to now Zane and I moved to Newfoundland with our two amazing pups. We are surrounded by family and friends and overall much happier. 
Its been a crazy year and things continue to be unsure as Covid has has come to Newfoundland including a new Variant. I pray everyone is happy and healthy and able to find the silver linings! 

Sunday, May 17, 2020

Je T'aime Papa

So, when I was in Kindergarten our project for Fathers Day was to make a T Shirt for our Dads. I drew a picture of my Dad and our teacher put it on a white T shirt to bring home. I don't completely remember making the shirt because I was so young but it meant a lot to my Dad.
Years later when I was in the Childrens Hospital my Dad flew down from Alberta to see me. When he walked through my room door he had on his Je T'aime Papa T Shirt on and we all laughed. It was so nice to have him around during such a difficult time and the fact that he hung on to that T Shirt for all those years was so touching.
My Dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly on March 27th, 2020.
I now have the t shirt in my house and I will always cherish it. It reminds be of my father and his amazing sense of humor.