Sad

So, it's been about three months since I lost my angel Charlie. Lately, I've been feeling a lot better but the other day I just stayed in bed all day. I woke up to eat and shower and then just went right back to bed. I wasn't crying or anything like that I just felt awful and totally drained. It could be because I did have infection and I was worn down but some days I feel like I will never be completely happy without Charlie. I always dreamed of coming home with my children and how happy it would make my mom and Charlie but that is a dream that has been taken away from me and I don't know how to get over it. Mind you, since being diagnosed with Hemophilia I have had many dreams taken away from me. I'm sure I don't need to list them but just in case you were wondering, employment, travel and every day normal activities. I guess those didn't hurt me as badly because they happened slowly over time. But death is so final. Also, I think with my illness I feel like I can control it to a certain extent, for example I can live the healthiest lifestyle I can which will help a lot. However, when Charlie passed away no one asked me if it was ok and I had no control of it what so ever. I've been replaying the last 5 weeks of his life over and over again in my head. I sometimes think that maybe if I had more money I could of brought him to a better hospital or maybe if I went to more masses he would still be with me. Just like my set backs with Hemophilia, I guess I have to realize that I can't control what happened, but I can control how I move forward with my life and Charlie would definitely want me to have fun and live life to the fullest just like he did!